Too Much of Good Things

So, last Friday night I was kickin' it preppy-style with my homegirl in Cambridge, Mass., just reading Martha Stewart Living and having a good laugh (a picture of four dozen French ivory flatware settings that "Martha uses daily" drew guffaws) - tempered of course by all the genuinely brilliant and beautiful ideas in the annual Decorating issue.

That smile, plus a fistful of knives - is making me uneasy.

For the most part, the advice boils down to three simple rules:

1. Have a bigger kitchen.
2. Have more money.
3. Use the money to have an even bigger kitchen.

For example, it is stated as a rule that you should have two islands rather than one. And, that "an island must be at least 4 feet long and 2 1/2 feet wide." Anything Martha offers is taken with a grain of salt after learning that she "collects vintage enamel holders" for sponges and has a servery - a special room where dishes are stored and cleaned. How handy!

Some of the advice is not so much ludicrous as head-slappingly obvious, such as "Mounted hooks put towels just where you always want them." Some is fastidious to the point of self-parody: "Add adhesive pads on the bottom [of baskets and bins] so they slide smoothly."

Some of the advice seems very smart. If you have a kitchen island, put outlets just under the countertop so you can use small electric appliances there without cords running all the way from the wall.

Another bright idea is to add a side wall to the end of a counter to keep flour from flying all over the place.

Of course, I'd be paying no attention at all to Martha if we weren't closing on our new house in two days! It would be a lie to say - for anyone to claim - that a home of this level of beauty, richness and refinement is not exactly what we dream of. For all the macho fantasia of carpentry class, the real underlying motivation is delightfully effete.